I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
