i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
