So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
