Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
My vagina is very pro this idea
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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