And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
