my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I need to stop coming to work sober
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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