Don't make out with my wife yet
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
