Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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