tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
