Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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