my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize