i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
He did a backflip because drugs
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
