I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
