I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
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