this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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