i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
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