Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize