Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
