I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
