3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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