You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize