WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
