so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
