...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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