Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
