Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
