mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
