I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
