from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
