I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
