i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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