Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
