Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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