I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I came so hard my ears popped.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
