I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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