Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
