Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize