who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize