I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
