Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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