why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
