me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
