I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize