She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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