My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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