Plan B is the new Plan A
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
