She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
