I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I fill condoms, not promises.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
