Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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