moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
