Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
