i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
