I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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