i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
