I'm so fucking centered right now
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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