Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
