New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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